Spring brings in

Spring brings in many new things in life. It offers the grounds for us to shelve the winter-assets, to throw away the no-more usables, to see once again how minimal we can go with, how less we all need, how unnecessary it is to have a lot of things in our possession. It brings lightness to our lives, once we breathe in the Spring, especially the April breeze then we see the difference between the unnecessary things in our lives, those that we make ourselves believe we cannot be without but which are in fact just accessories. 

This Spring offered me a lot, a multi-variety pack, leading me to confusion, somewhat peaceful. Peaceful that I do not feel any resentment in the face of all the hardships that come by - that seem to never end. Peaceful in the sense that I welcome the ups and downs in my daily routine, which get me confused all the time about what I can do, I cannot do, I want to do, and I do not want to do... Confusions about my place on this earth - except for passing by; passing by all the time. 

Spring brought me the awareness that I have been used to living with MS, at last - that I am not ignoring or forgetting it anymore. I am not forgetting that my balance is not well. I am not forgetting that there are days when I cannot wake up until noon. Not forgetting that there are days when I cannot hardly move - not that infrequent. Now I am more aware of my capacities, how far I can go, what to expect - approximately - what to claim, what to hope for and what not to...

So, I said no to myself to accept a reasonable job offer that would save for me one more year in writing and mostly teaching. For I am very well aware that I cannot go beyond a one course teaching load - two sessions of the same course, at most. I know that if I public transit for 30 minutes or more back and forth than I need to rest for the rest of the day and more. It is as if not doing more than one job a day; or perhaps not undertaking more than one task a day - which is really difficult for a multi-task person to adjust to. 

I am trying to adjust. 

And this adjustment process, which, I now know, is ever-lasting since MS is a playful accompany of my body-mind that is not easy at all - no way! 

Most recently, in my job I was offered two options: A part time teaching - one course two sections; and a visiting position to teach three courses per term. My MS life made me understand that it would be a futile attempt to go beyond one course a term. The course with two sections was the most fit option in that sense but the pay was almost 1/10 of the position with the three courses per term. Apart from the difference the first option would not allow me to afford the routine expenses - which are really minimal in the course of my daily preferences. The second option came with a decent income, also with a glimpse of hope that it might help me to extend my stay here, in this welcoming city of steel.

I just wanted to linger with the idea that I finally have options since a couple of years... Options that relate to my professional past - not the options as in the case of choosing between Mayzent and Aubagio; staying in bed until noon or forcing myself into the shower; renting a car through Zipcar or a car rental agency... cooking tofu this afternoon with salad alongside it, or just having some frozen food....So, I valued this opportunity; and slept over it. Then in the morning, which greeted me with the  a relatively fresh body and mind - at least only with pains, and bearable tiredness rather than a temptation to surrender the gravitation and sink into the bed - I wrote to my colleague sharing with she/him that due to the diagnosis that I have been carrying with me for some four years now it was impossible to go with the better option. the other option was dead at birth - we all knew it. But this is the US - everyone needs to be respected to give their own decision; to speak the already clear in their own words. So here is my reply:

"...

I thought over and over again about the possibility of teaching three separate courses - since you first mentioned about the position. But I do not want to step into a possibility, which according to my physical performance in the past four years, and especially during the pandemic would most probably result in impossibility. Again: How I wish I could! 

..."

And look at the response that spells the very basics of what a nice heart and considerate mind might look like - just picking one dear sentence that touched my heart:

"

...

I respect and appreciate your honesty and kindness toward yourself and your regard for the students in considering your capacities

...

"

So, here we are I am living with MS, trying not to surrender to it, but being realistic about my capacities and capabilities and spoiling my mind and body accordingly. I wouldn't end by a mere pollyanna-style "life is good" but I shall not refrain from sharing my recent mood:

I have been meeting with such nice hearts, valuable minds which turn out to be indispensable in carrying on with the ever increasing complexities of living with MS under pandemic/crisis times. It gives me hope not for an ideal future - whatever that might mean - but for not being left in solitude even those times when you feel loneliest of the earth!

Loneliness shall not be the main problem in our lives with MS; we should form our connections with the MS world and non-MS world; regularize and systematize those connections.